mantra

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us...And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. - Nelson Mandela


Amazed by the possibility and promise God is waiting to unleash inside each and everyone of us. Holding these words close to my heart and in front of my eyes today.

quote jar

Right before I left Waco this summer, a few friends and I picked ten quotes each that we love, that we love to laugh at, and that move us. We made copies, gave them to each other and sealed them away in mason jars. I've been staring at my jar all summer and finally opened it last night. Just as I excepted, I could hear my friends voices and laughs behind each quote. Here are few of my favorites:

Faith is not belief without proof, but trust without reservation. -Elton Trueblood

There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered. -Nelson Mandela

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer? -Marliyn Monroe

I don't know why I find his stupidity charming. I mean, he's cheating off a girl who thinks the square root of four is rainbows. -Kurk from GLEE

The reason God changes people is to use them to change the world. -David Daniels

I haven't been everywhere, but it's on my list. -Susan Sontag

thursday quote

via

"What can this incessant craving, and this impotence of attainment mean, unless there was once a happiness belonging to man, of which only the faintest traces remain, in that void which he attempts to fill with everything within his reach?...Because, in a soul that will live forever, there is an infinite void that nothing can fill, but an infinite, unchangeable being." -Blaise Pascal

fear

via

This summer, I've wondered frequently whether or not I lack ambition. I'll be honest, job searching hasn't been my top priority. Oh, I've definitely thought about jobs and graduate school, but I've been hiding behind a month and half worth of trips as an excuse to not do anything. Every time I've questioned my ambition though, I've stopped and asked myself, "Do you have dreams, Caitlin?" and the answer has always been, "Oh yes, definitely." Dreams in fact, that make my soul sigh. Dreams that kind of make me catch my breath. I think the problem is fear.

I don't know when exactly it happened, but somewhere along the way I've become afraid to be seen. I've never had low self-esteem or been overly pessimistic but somehow I've started being afraid to show people me. I know that's kind of a crazy thought since I write a rather large window of myself on this blog, but truly, I think it's fear. I've fallen into agreeing with the world that I don't deserve certain things- that I'm not talented enough, I'm not glamorous enough, I'm not gutsy enough- that I can't really do what I want. I've become afraid to show my capability. In the mean time, all these fears that I've bought into have built a wall around me.

So in a sense, I've become incredibly afraid of my own possibility. In the past months, as I've thought about my future, I'm come to the realization that Fort Worth or Texas for that matter isn't where I see myself living. BUT, as much as I want to move somewhere like Paris or New York City, I'm pretty scared. Well, more than pretty. Let's say incredibly, paralyzingly so. I'm scared that I won't make friends, that I won't be happy, that I'll be completely alone. As a result, I've been still for the last few months- not exactly looking in any direction except inward. But not anymore.

Last week, I read this quote that put everything you've just read into perspective:
"Any time I feel lost, I pull out a map and stare. I stare until I have reminded myself that life is a giant adventure, so much to do, to see."
Over a crepe breakfast last week when I admitted some of my fears to my dad, he reminded me that God is going to provide for me. He went with me to Baylor and He is going to continue on to the next place. And really, I know this, I believe it whole-heartedly. The thing is, fear is the absence of faith. When I buy into fears of being lost and alone, I quit believing and trusting that God is going to provide. Oh me of little faith. But not anymore- I'm so incredibly tired of fear. World, you can have it. Jesus, everyday I'm going to remind myself that you are my great provider and that you give the best gifts. I'm also going to remind myself that if you provide a way for me, you're going to provide an incredibly satisfying life as well. I'm going to choose faith instead of fear. You've given my talents that are meant to be shared. You've made me who I am, not to sit at home in Fort Worth, Texas, but to go out into the world....so, let's go.

a pecos recap

"I can feel you all around me, thickening the air I'm breathing."- David Crowder

These lyrics ran through my mind quite often while backpacking a few weeks ago- especially when the climb became an authentic struggle. It's impossible to be in the wilderness and to not be continually compelled by the greatness of God. His work is all around you and it makes you wonder if perhaps this is a glimpse into what eternity will look like...

quotable

Today I watched Coco Before Chanel, a movie starring Audrey Tautou about the life of the woman, Gabrielle Chanel before she became the icon, Coco Chanel. Besides Gabrielle's complete determination to be herself and carve her place in the world, one line from the film stuck with me: When a woman cuts her hair, she's about to change her life.

I like it and wonder if it's true...

the master of my fate

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll.

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

-William Ernest Henley

This weekend I watched Invictus, the story of how Nelson Mandela found a way to unite his very broken country through the game of rugby. The poem, "Invictus" by William Ernest Henley is what Morgan Freeman playing Mr. Mandela says helped him while in prison "to stand on days when all he wanted to do was lie down."

The final two lines of the poem are quite stirring; I both believe in them very much and hesitate to validate them at the same time.

On one hand, the poem is incredibly embolding when it comes to person to person interactions and dealings:no other man must be allowed to be the captain of your soul, the master of your fate. You must come out of the shadows, stand up for yourself and make the choices you want. Only you can dream your dreams. You have the power within you and with it you can do many things.This frankly, is a position I find myself now. I ask myself almost everyday, "What do you want to do? How do you make that happen?" The feeling of being the master of my fate is both invigorating and daunting.

However, as I follow Jesus, He is the ultimate captain of my soul. I am merely the clay while He is the grand artist. I am a thread and He is the weaver of the tapestry. All to Jesus I owe and all to Him I pray I give. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. Matthew 16:25 Through the journey of the last year, I've had honest conversations with God about my future; He and I both know what I hope to do, experience, and accomplish in the future but I'll joyfully put it all aside if it's not what He wants for me. It can be a difficult power to relinquish, but Jesus has to be the captain of my fate; otherwise, I'll wander through life instead of truly walking it.

The last two lines of the poem are the kind of words you want to tie around your heart because of the power and courage they stir in the soul. They encourage you to push when possibility is bleak and keep you steadfast when you want to give up. It's a balance that I'm sure takes a lifetime to learn: not listening to the world, keeping in tune with your heart, and God. Ultimately, I suppose we are the true masters of our fate because we alone can make the decision of who will hold the power: ourselves or God. God, thank you for being willing to be the master of my fate and the captain of my soul- You are so much more capable than I.

Don't worship the plan.

Worship the God of the plan.

I've realized that in the past months too much emphasis has been put on the afterlife of Baylor- knowing where I am going and what I will be doing. Yes, plans are good, but running after Him for the fulfillment of my life? Better- much better.

friday quote

The right word is lightning. -Mark Twain


Love this quote- I want to carry it with me always. It's formal season at Baylor- so I'm off to my final dance party with the Deltas tonight. Happy weekend!

Photo Props

a morning like this

Did the grass sing?
Did the earth rejoice to feel you again?
Over and over like a trumpet underground,

did the earth seem to pound: "He is risen."
Over and over in a never ending round:
"He is risen, alleluia, alleluia."-Sandi PattyReveling in the resurrection today and everyday, Happy Easter.

Image found {here}

friday thought

God calls you to
the places where
your deep gladness
and the world's

deep hunger meet.

- Frederick Buechner

That's what I'm hoping for. No matter where I go or what kind of job I do in this life, Lord, let me be serving and working for your good.

winter

Image found {here}

My college pastor, Kyle Dunn, wrote the following in an email over a year ago. His words struck me so definitely that I have kept the email, refusing to delete it:

"Winter helps us hear the story of God, in the rhythm of the seasons. Most green things lay dormant. The air is harsh and we feel our physical weakness as the cold pushes us to find a coat or a hat or gloves or all of the above. Winter is about the hope of spring. There is a waiting involved—a trust that as it is now—it will not always be. The harshness of life’s winter pushes the soul to seek cover and warmth. As dreams and plans lay dormant, hope holds on to God…believing that a change is coming, by the strength of His might.

If this winter weather is a reflection of a winter season for your life and circumstances—if things right now seem harsh—if you feel very cold and weak—do not abandon faith. The God of all seasons is sovereign over your heart and life. We know the soil experiences winter for a purpose—so that later it will produce fruit. And in the end, it is the same for us. Our God causes and allows winters to descend upon our days…for a purpose. Trust that God is doing something bigger than what you see and feel.

Hope in God. Huddle around the fire of Truth and faith and prayer and community, as you wait patiently for when He will lead you from winter to spring. The frost of how things are now…is not how things will always be. No one can promise you when the season will change. But it will.

Spring is coming, for the glory of God.
There's something about winter that pushes us to withdraw, pull in. Lately, I'm been compelled to notice my falters- all the times I've failed to love mercy, act justly, walk faithfully. I want to be so much more to the people around me and be so much more of the God who created me. Taking note of the falters is the only way we can learn- but there's no going back over them. He takes me just the way I am and wants to change me as our journey continues onward. Today, I'm so thankful for the onward journey.

our deeper nature

Image found {here}
"We all- men and women- were created in the image of God. Fearfully and wonderfully made, fashioned as living icons of the bravest, wisest, most stunning Person who ever existed...All that we ever wished we could be, we were- and more. We were fully alive...

I daresay we've heard a bit about original sin but not nearly enough about original glory, which comes before sin and is deeper in our nature. We were crowned with glory and honor. Why does a woman long to be beautiful? Why does a man hope to be found brave? Because we remember, if only faintly that we were once more than we are now. The reason you doubt there could be a glory to your life is because that glory has been the object of a long and brutal war."

John Eldridge, Waking the Dead

the golden year

Images found {here}
Today I turn twenty-two on the twenty-second- the golden year. I woke up this morning more aware of the indescribable love of my God and family and friends than ever before. So thankful for twenty-two sweet years, my heart is very full today. A card I got this morning sums my feelings and hopes for the coming year:

"Walk in grace.
Be kind. Be wise.

See God's world with caring eyes.

Have a hopeful point of view.

Life is a gift."

if you're going to jump...

Image found {here}

A few weeks ago, a delightful friend gave me a book called, "The Pocket Muse: Ideas and Inspirations for Writing." Thumbing through the book, I found a quote that I haven't been able to forget: "Make your characters more than they are. If you're going to jump, jump off a cliff, not a chair..."
I think the reason I haven't been able to get this quote out of my head is because it has merit not only in writing, but also in life. If you want to live life out loud and in color, you have to leap- and a chair isn't going to cut it. From personal experience I know how easy it is to fall into patterns of safe behavior. It's easy and doesn't require you to get uncomfortable. But sometimes (okay, maybe a lot of times) it's worth the risk of falling if it means you get to be BOLD. Maybe I haven't forgotten the quote because I've recognized a lack of leaping in my own life. We weren't created to be timid- not with the way we love, serve, interact, or live- and I don't want to be timid anymore. I think life, especially the season of life I'm in right now, is for leaping. All signs point to a big ledge coming up in my near future and I'm making a promise to myself right now be bold and take leaps.

"At one time most of my friends could hear the bell, but as years passed, it fell silent for all of them. Even Sarah found one Christmas that she could no longer hear its sweet sound. Though I've grown old, the bell still rings for me as it does for all who truly believe."- The Polar Express by Chris Van Allsburg

Here's to believing in the Hope, Peace, Goodness, Kindness, Faithfulness, Joy, and Love that this season is truly about. Happy Christmas Eve Eve.

All images found {here}

friday thought

"People where you live," the little prince said, "grow five thousand roses in one garden... yet they don't find what they're looking for..."

"They don't find it," I answered.

"And yet what they're looking for could be found in a single rose, or a little water..."

"Of course," I answered.

And the little prince added, "But eyes are blind. You have to look with the heart." 

-Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

I want to read this book again...perhaps during Thanksgiving or Christmas break- not too far away now...