fear

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This summer, I've wondered frequently whether or not I lack ambition. I'll be honest, job searching hasn't been my top priority. Oh, I've definitely thought about jobs and graduate school, but I've been hiding behind a month and half worth of trips as an excuse to not do anything. Every time I've questioned my ambition though, I've stopped and asked myself, "Do you have dreams, Caitlin?" and the answer has always been, "Oh yes, definitely." Dreams in fact, that make my soul sigh. Dreams that kind of make me catch my breath. I think the problem is fear.

I don't know when exactly it happened, but somewhere along the way I've become afraid to be seen. I've never had low self-esteem or been overly pessimistic but somehow I've started being afraid to show people me. I know that's kind of a crazy thought since I write a rather large window of myself on this blog, but truly, I think it's fear. I've fallen into agreeing with the world that I don't deserve certain things- that I'm not talented enough, I'm not glamorous enough, I'm not gutsy enough- that I can't really do what I want. I've become afraid to show my capability. In the mean time, all these fears that I've bought into have built a wall around me.

So in a sense, I've become incredibly afraid of my own possibility. In the past months, as I've thought about my future, I'm come to the realization that Fort Worth or Texas for that matter isn't where I see myself living. BUT, as much as I want to move somewhere like Paris or New York City, I'm pretty scared. Well, more than pretty. Let's say incredibly, paralyzingly so. I'm scared that I won't make friends, that I won't be happy, that I'll be completely alone. As a result, I've been still for the last few months- not exactly looking in any direction except inward. But not anymore.

Last week, I read this quote that put everything you've just read into perspective:
"Any time I feel lost, I pull out a map and stare. I stare until I have reminded myself that life is a giant adventure, so much to do, to see."
Over a crepe breakfast last week when I admitted some of my fears to my dad, he reminded me that God is going to provide for me. He went with me to Baylor and He is going to continue on to the next place. And really, I know this, I believe it whole-heartedly. The thing is, fear is the absence of faith. When I buy into fears of being lost and alone, I quit believing and trusting that God is going to provide. Oh me of little faith. But not anymore- I'm so incredibly tired of fear. World, you can have it. Jesus, everyday I'm going to remind myself that you are my great provider and that you give the best gifts. I'm also going to remind myself that if you provide a way for me, you're going to provide an incredibly satisfying life as well. I'm going to choose faith instead of fear. You've given my talents that are meant to be shared. You've made me who I am, not to sit at home in Fort Worth, Texas, but to go out into the world....so, let's go.

a pecos recap

"I can feel you all around me, thickening the air I'm breathing."- David Crowder

These lyrics ran through my mind quite often while backpacking a few weeks ago- especially when the climb became an authentic struggle. It's impossible to be in the wilderness and to not be continually compelled by the greatness of God. His work is all around you and it makes you wonder if perhaps this is a glimpse into what eternity will look like...

happy 4th

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True, the United States is not a perfect country- far from it; but despite the country's troubles, I am thankful to live in a land where freedom is a bedrock idea upon which we live. I am thankful to live in a country where as a woman, I have equal rights, where as a writer I'm free to share my ideas, and where as Christ-follower, I'm free to discuss my faith.

And on a day where the celebration of freedom takes center stage, I can't help but think of this verse:
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Galatians 5:1

Yes, indeed let freedom ring. From sea to sea, from heart to heart, let sweet freedom ring.

a walking lesson

I realized this week that walking through the woods can be a lot like living life.

A month and a half into my post-grad life, I'm considerably bewildered as to how I'm suppose to form this new phase of my life. It feels like there are so many pieces to the puzzle that is my life that have yet to fall into place. In fact, a lot of the pieces don't even seem to be out of the box and on the table yet.

But here's the thing that I realized while backpacking last week: on a hike, you don't get to your destination in a single step- not even close. Translate this to my life and I realized that I don't, well actually can't, form the rest of my life in a single decision. You don't write a story in a single word and you don't create a painting with a single brushstroke. One decision at a time.

Soooooo, where do I want to go?
Paris.

Now, how do I get there?

quotable

Today I watched Coco Before Chanel, a movie starring Audrey Tautou about the life of the woman, Gabrielle Chanel before she became the icon, Coco Chanel. Besides Gabrielle's complete determination to be herself and carve her place in the world, one line from the film stuck with me: When a woman cuts her hair, she's about to change her life.

I like it and wonder if it's true...

standing room only

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Don't just do something- stand there.

I don't want a job just to have one. I don't want meaningless work.

I want purpose and passion. adventure and exclamations.


Don't get the wrong idea, I pretty much reached my max for America's Next Top Model marathons and all-around lazing around the house about a week into my post-grad life. And yes, I do want to do something with my life, but not just anything...so I'm standing still and trying to figure it out. Does that make sense?

Thankfully, my standing still is about to turn into something a little more active as my summer travels begin this week. They're going to take me literally across the country and even across the border to visit our fair neighbors to the north. I'm really excited because each trip will include a different group of people and a different set of circumstances. There's something about travel
that lets you see your own world and yourself from the outside in. By experiencing different countries, people, and circumstances, you see yourself all the more clear. I'm expecting at the end of these travels to know a little more about where I want to do something, so let the standing and traveling commence!

life lesson

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I love that if you let it, life will continually teach you: how to be a better person, a better friend, how to treasure time better, how to love, how to forgive, how to realize what matters most. People and circumstances all around you are teaching through their words and actions- all you have to do is be open and attentive to catch the lesson.

I like learning.

little vs. big

I kinda really like this picture I found while traipsing through a favorite photo site.

It reminds me that I'm just one person in this great big world, a great big world that is really only a minuscule dot on the map of an endless universe. At the same time though, I'm held securely in the hands of Someone greater.

Yet even though I'm a speck on a speck, it's nice to know God provides special places for me in this big little world to be my own...

the master of my fate

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll.

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

-William Ernest Henley

This weekend I watched Invictus, the story of how Nelson Mandela found a way to unite his very broken country through the game of rugby. The poem, "Invictus" by William Ernest Henley is what Morgan Freeman playing Mr. Mandela says helped him while in prison "to stand on days when all he wanted to do was lie down."

The final two lines of the poem are quite stirring; I both believe in them very much and hesitate to validate them at the same time.

On one hand, the poem is incredibly embolding when it comes to person to person interactions and dealings:no other man must be allowed to be the captain of your soul, the master of your fate. You must come out of the shadows, stand up for yourself and make the choices you want. Only you can dream your dreams. You have the power within you and with it you can do many things.This frankly, is a position I find myself now. I ask myself almost everyday, "What do you want to do? How do you make that happen?" The feeling of being the master of my fate is both invigorating and daunting.

However, as I follow Jesus, He is the ultimate captain of my soul. I am merely the clay while He is the grand artist. I am a thread and He is the weaver of the tapestry. All to Jesus I owe and all to Him I pray I give. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. Matthew 16:25 Through the journey of the last year, I've had honest conversations with God about my future; He and I both know what I hope to do, experience, and accomplish in the future but I'll joyfully put it all aside if it's not what He wants for me. It can be a difficult power to relinquish, but Jesus has to be the captain of my fate; otherwise, I'll wander through life instead of truly walking it.

The last two lines of the poem are the kind of words you want to tie around your heart because of the power and courage they stir in the soul. They encourage you to push when possibility is bleak and keep you steadfast when you want to give up. It's a balance that I'm sure takes a lifetime to learn: not listening to the world, keeping in tune with your heart, and God. Ultimately, I suppose we are the true masters of our fate because we alone can make the decision of who will hold the power: ourselves or God. God, thank you for being willing to be the master of my fate and the captain of my soul- You are so much more capable than I.

grown-up stuff

{props}This past weekend, I helped my brother and sister-in-law unpack a little at their new apartment. In my mind, I couldn't get over all the grown-up stuff they now have: dishes that match, wall scones, end tables...boxes upon boxes of all kinds of stuff adults always have...

This got my brother and I talking about age. He told me that really, he feels like he's still 22. Upon reflection, I decided I feel like I'm still 19. And we're both on the cusp of new adventures in life- things for so-called adults. So weird. But then I hear people in their 40s and 50s saying that they still, at times like their still in their 20s or 30s. I kind of like the idea of being young at heart always. There's joy and exuberance there.

thank you notes

Leah Dieterich's mother always told her to write thank you notes. So she does. To everything...thxthxthx is her daily exercise in gratitude and my newest favorite thing! It makes you think- what has happened today that you're thankful for?

kinda ready.

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Yesterday, while prepping for a final, I had a realization. In the warmness of a perfect spring day, while sitting under the shade of mammoth trees in the heart of campus, feeling the wind flit across my face, I understood that I am ready to leave school. Baylor has done what it was meant to do; it has challenged and changed me. I understand that to stay, would be to linger in a world that has become all too comfortable. To stay would mean sinking down, instead of rising up to new challenges and adventures. Therefore, for all of those reasons, I'm ready to leave college.

However, that doesn't mean that I'm not grappling with the brittle truth that I am about to leave many dearly loved people. Knowing that I won't get to experience certain people in my day to day life after graduation is basically heart-wrenching. I wish I had a positive spin to add on, but I don't...except that friendships don't end just because people move. They end when people stop making a place for them in their lives. Friends, there's always space enough for you in my life. You don't have to tell me twice.

Don't worship the plan.

Worship the God of the plan.

I've realized that in the past months too much emphasis has been put on the afterlife of Baylor- knowing where I am going and what I will be doing. Yes, plans are good, but running after Him for the fulfillment of my life? Better- much better.

insomnia

Something I'll miss about college is being forced against my will to go to IHOP at 1 a.m. Really, I was forced. Told my friends I wasn't happy about it and they still made me go. They're good friends because sometimes they know what's better for me than I do, but now it's 3 a.m...why am I still awake? The control-freak part of me says I have to get sleep so that I can do things like class and papers and coherent speech...tick tock.

Someone once told me that if you can't fall asleep it's probably because God is trying to tell you something.

So I wait and think...I'm twenty-two and about to graduate from college. I'm about to leave the life I've grown accustomed to over last four years and the family of friends I've built around me. I have no idea where I'm going or what I am doing next. And I can't seem to remember to trust the One who has it all in His hands.

It's scary and frustrating to not have control or even a clear look into my own future. Who am I kidding, I can't even control when I go to sleep. Why is it that I struggle so hard against surrendering and settling down in the sweet knowledge that God's got it? Why do I fight it? And why do I wait until 3 a.m. when I need something to approach God about it all? Why does my arrogance keep getting in the way? Maybe God weakens us sometimes to remind us how much we need His strength. To remind us that He is the leader and we are not. That us not knowing our own futures gives Him greater glory when that future finally arrives.


You hem me in- behind and before, you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Psalm 139:5-6

parker pizzazz

Sarah Jessica Parker takes the cover of this May's Vogue. The photos are beautiful, the clothes incredible, and SJP as usual, is her charming, gracious, down-to-earth, and all around fabulously cool self. Much talk about the upcoming Sex and the City 2 movie, a little about her sweet family, and most interestingly, news about her most recent professional endeavor: becoming a designer for Halston Heritage (much of which is worn in SATC2). I particularly loved this quote about her professional choices: "Does it scare me? Am I intimidated? Am I challenged? That's kind of the way I've always made decisions." Good advice, SJP. Good advice.

She's divine. And someone I wish I knew...okay, enough with the SJP admiration.


P.S. Being flown to London by Vogue to interview Sarah Jessica Parker? Yeah, I think that's a job I wouldn't mind..

gumption

Sometimes, I lose it...

Isn't it funny how we see others so clearly- their beautiful hearts, tenacious spirits, and all bright possibilities in their yet to come? Yet most often we can't see any of that in ourselves. Lately, I haven't been trusting the person that counts the most- God. I've succumbed to a slump of believing that whatever is next is going to be mediocre, so-so, not what I want. Oh how my heart is prone to wander...and when it does, I also lose focus and passion. I can't believe that I let myself forget that the excitement is right now, wherever that may be- on this leg of the journey. So what- yes, I don't know what to do next, but I know someone who does. Everyday I'm going to tell myself to take today's steps and know that goodness, mercy, and love are in this day and step. I'm going to remind myself that He who has given me this most beautiful of lives isn't done. And then I'll repeat that as many times as it takes for myself to start believing it and living it out.

And if you're wondering why I included the photo above, it's because anyone who wear those masterpieces has got to have gumption. Oh, most definitely!

waiting for the game trail to appear

Image found {here}

When people ask how my friends and I are handling our last bit of college life, I tell them that we have good days and bad days. On the good ones I feel quite content with where I am and where I am going- even when that means that I'm clueless as to where that is. Other days, there are doubts, fears, lots of questions, and maybe tears.

I first applied to an advanced French program at Middlebury because my parents asked me to; a little reluctantly I wrote the essays, took the test, and sent in my information. In this time I slowly processed the possibility of an extended stay in Paris.It was absolutely an idea that I could get comfortable with and signs seemed to be pointing in that direction, but this week I found out that Middlebury and I aren't meant to be. I've prayed throughout this year that God would make it clear what I'm suppose to do after Baylor- and I guess He did that yesterday, or rather showed me what I'm not suppose to do. He probably knew I wouldn't have the strength to turn down Paris via Middlebury, so maybe He did it for me.

I'm not heartbroken by this turn of events, but would be lying if I didn't admit that rejection has a sting and brings with it a little doubt and fear. Discussing this last night with my parents, my dad reminded me of an afternoon we once spent somewhere on the trails of the New Mexican wilderness. We were drawing near the end of a l-o-n-g day. Having walked with heavy packs up the mountain for miles and many hours, we were almost spent. We were only a half hour downhill walk away from our destination when we reached a snow-blocked path. Normally,going slightly off the trail isn't an issue, but unfortunately about three steps over from the trail was the sloping side of the mountain. It was rocky with little to grab onto; a missed step or two and you could tumbled down all the way. As much as we might have liked it, turning back was not an option. We were in the middle of the middle of nowhere- we had to get to out campsite and a water source. The guys, taking off their packs tested the off-path method- hugging the mountain and graping whatever they could, they somehow managed to get to the other side. Everyone had made it across the unstable side of the mountain except for me. My dad was coming back to help me across when we both looked up and saw something we hadn't before: a path. It was small, curving up and around to the top of ridge- I have no idea how we had all missed it amid the search for a way around the snow- it was so clear now. So my dad and I took the path- solid and clear- and reached the top.

Lots of things about Middlebury seemed right: it would give me something to do for the next year, would take me to Paris, would give me a place to live there, and automatic friends in a foreign place, but maybe Middlebury was just suppose to help me realize that I really truly want to go to Paris. Not, "Oh, that's a nice dream," or "That would be a cool thing to do," but I want to go. I hope it's meant to happen, but I don't know. So now I wait for the game trail to appear- and perhaps one day, at the top of that ridge, I'll think, "Of course that was the path- I only had to wait to see."

the golden year

Images found {here}
Today I turn twenty-two on the twenty-second- the golden year. I woke up this morning more aware of the indescribable love of my God and family and friends than ever before. So thankful for twenty-two sweet years, my heart is very full today. A card I got this morning sums my feelings and hopes for the coming year:

"Walk in grace.
Be kind. Be wise.

See God's world with caring eyes.

Have a hopeful point of view.

Life is a gift."

motto for a new semester

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Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. 

1 Corinthians 13:13 (The Message)

The first day of the last undergraduate semester stirs up a great mix of emotions, but I'm determined to stop wallowing, push through the uncomfortableness and fear, and live life up. Here it goes...

a wednesday thought

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It's unbelievable how easily we believe what the world tells us: "They don't really like you," "You're not that talented," "Why aren't you like ________?"

How is it that we so quickly listen to these lies and accusations? It is because we're weak? or because we are wrapped up in a world that was never meant for us?

Today I'm reminded that it's an everyday battle and that the truth is, you just have to let go and live. And listen to the one true Voice inside you. That's the only voice you should be convinced by and it knows you better than you ever will.