insomnia

Something I'll miss about college is being forced against my will to go to IHOP at 1 a.m. Really, I was forced. Told my friends I wasn't happy about it and they still made me go. They're good friends because sometimes they know what's better for me than I do, but now it's 3 a.m...why am I still awake? The control-freak part of me says I have to get sleep so that I can do things like class and papers and coherent speech...tick tock.

Someone once told me that if you can't fall asleep it's probably because God is trying to tell you something.

So I wait and think...I'm twenty-two and about to graduate from college. I'm about to leave the life I've grown accustomed to over last four years and the family of friends I've built around me. I have no idea where I'm going or what I am doing next. And I can't seem to remember to trust the One who has it all in His hands.

It's scary and frustrating to not have control or even a clear look into my own future. Who am I kidding, I can't even control when I go to sleep. Why is it that I struggle so hard against surrendering and settling down in the sweet knowledge that God's got it? Why do I fight it? And why do I wait until 3 a.m. when I need something to approach God about it all? Why does my arrogance keep getting in the way? Maybe God weakens us sometimes to remind us how much we need His strength. To remind us that He is the leader and we are not. That us not knowing our own futures gives Him greater glory when that future finally arrives.


You hem me in- behind and before, you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Psalm 139:5-6