This summer, I've wondered frequently whether or not I lack ambition. I'll be honest, job searching hasn't been my top priority. Oh, I've definitely thought about jobs and graduate school, but I've been hiding behind a month and half worth of trips as an excuse to not do anything. Every time I've questioned my ambition though, I've stopped and asked myself, "Do you have dreams, Caitlin?" and the answer has always been, "Oh yes, definitely." Dreams in fact, that make my soul sigh. Dreams that kind of make me catch my breath. I think the problem is fear.
I don't know when exactly it happened, but somewhere along the way I've become afraid to be seen. I've never had low self-esteem or been overly pessimistic but somehow I've started being afraid to show people me. I know that's kind of a crazy thought since I write a rather large window of myself on this blog, but truly, I think it's fear. I've fallen into agreeing with the world that I don't deserve certain things- that I'm not talented enough, I'm not glamorous enough, I'm not gutsy enough- that I can't really do what I want. I've become afraid to show my capability. In the mean time, all these fears that I've bought into have built a wall around me.
So in a sense, I've become incredibly afraid of my own possibility. In the past months, as I've thought about my future, I'm come to the realization that Fort Worth or Texas for that matter isn't where I see myself living. BUT, as much as I want to move somewhere like Paris or New York City, I'm pretty scared. Well, more than pretty. Let's say incredibly, paralyzingly so. I'm scared that I won't make friends, that I won't be happy, that I'll be completely alone. As a result, I've been still for the last few months- not exactly looking in any direction except inward. But not anymore.
Last week, I read this quote that put everything you've just read into perspective:
"Any time I feel lost, I pull out a map and stare. I stare until I have reminded myself that life is a giant adventure, so much to do, to see."
Over a crepe breakfast last week when I admitted some of my fears to my dad, he reminded me that God is going to provide for me. He went with me to Baylor and He is going to continue on to the next place. And really, I know this, I believe it whole-heartedly. The thing is, fear is the absence of faith. When I buy into fears of being lost and alone, I quit believing and trusting that God is going to provide. Oh me of little faith. But not anymore- I'm so incredibly tired of fear. World, you can have it. Jesus, everyday I'm going to remind myself that you are my great provider and that you give the best gifts. I'm also going to remind myself that if you provide a way for me, you're going to provide an incredibly satisfying life as well. I'm going to choose faith instead of fear. You've given my talents that are meant to be shared. You've made me who I am, not to sit at home in Fort Worth, Texas, but to go out into the world....so, let's go.