pokes, pinches, & whispers

Life gets tough Most of the time though, life gets hard because the world loves to pinch and poke at your heart, or even worse, whispers its sweet nothings into your ear and mind, which coincidentally happen to also be your strongest self-doubts and fears.

 No one quite tells you how life is going to be after you graduate from college. Maybe they had a completely polar experience or they've forgotten their own, but I wasn't expecting all of this. I was under the impression that I had bought the package that included a life changing college experience that upon its conclusion, led swiftly and easily into a more grown-up, yet happy, satisfying, fulfilling life. Maybe my order got lost in all the paperwork, I don't know, but lately, I'm been experiencing my share of pinches, pokes, and whispers. I'm a failure. I will never leave my parents' house. I'm never going to become anything more than I am right now. Things are never going to change. On days that they're feeling particularly cruel, they laugh at me for thinking I could ever be a writer and that I have nothing to say and no one who wants to hear it.

Seriously, what is it with these pokes and pinches? In my heart of hearts, I know that things are going to change. I will move out and onto something- these things and so many others, God has shared with me since coming home. On a personal Caitlin to Jesus level, I feel that I've entered a new season of intimacy and dependency. It is sweet and good. I also love being home right now to hear the day to day, sometimes minute to minute developments in the coming of the 2010-2011 Optimist Year. My parents are entering a remarkable year of their lives and it makes me happy to watch them prepare to soar.

To borrow from Steven Curtis Chapman, God is God and I am (wo)man. I can only see a part of the picture He's painting. This I cling to every day, come doubt or dismay.

those days

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. Hebrews 6:19

Some days it's easy to take a quick glance at myself and lose hope. It sometimes feels and looks like I'm doing nothing and that nothing ever will come of me.  Those, of course, are the days when I listen to my flesh and the world. I let myself forget the Hope I have inside of me.

The writer of Hebrews is right, the Hope I have truly is my anchor for everything. It's the one thing I cling to today and every other day when I know little to nothing about what's going to happen in my life. I cling to Hope because Jesus is my one security in this life and I know that He has great things for me.

On the days that I do remember this Hope, I cling to it with all I have. Like a buoy in the raging sea, it keeps me above the water. Even more, on those days, I feel such a relief because I remember that the future isn't all on me. He who gives me great dreams, will also bring a means to realizing those great dreams. After all, they weren't my dreams to begin with, but His. On those days, I feel an incredible glow, or better yet, power from within because on those days I remember that Jesus is not only my anchor, but also my provider. His plans and dreams for my life exceed my most daring ones. 

He is my hope secure, my anchor strong.

I really like those days.

thursday quote

via

"What can this incessant craving, and this impotence of attainment mean, unless there was once a happiness belonging to man, of which only the faintest traces remain, in that void which he attempts to fill with everything within his reach?...Because, in a soul that will live forever, there is an infinite void that nothing can fill, but an infinite, unchangeable being." -Blaise Pascal

a pecos recap

"I can feel you all around me, thickening the air I'm breathing."- David Crowder

These lyrics ran through my mind quite often while backpacking a few weeks ago- especially when the climb became an authentic struggle. It's impossible to be in the wilderness and to not be continually compelled by the greatness of God. His work is all around you and it makes you wonder if perhaps this is a glimpse into what eternity will look like...

a few words on a sunset

Taken last week on Hamilton Mesa in the Pecos Wilderness
Have you ever watched the sun set behind snow capped mountains? The colors that change the sky from yellow to pink to blue move so fast that the entire spectacle is finished within a minute. The sound of birds chirping is the only thing you hear besides your own breathing.

And then you remember that somewhere else in the world, it's busy and noisy, and crowded. Where you are right now is so much better. Soak it in.

happy 4th

images via

True, the United States is not a perfect country- far from it; but despite the country's troubles, I am thankful to live in a land where freedom is a bedrock idea upon which we live. I am thankful to live in a country where as a woman, I have equal rights, where as a writer I'm free to share my ideas, and where as Christ-follower, I'm free to discuss my faith.

And on a day where the celebration of freedom takes center stage, I can't help but think of this verse:
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Galatians 5:1

Yes, indeed let freedom ring. From sea to sea, from heart to heart, let sweet freedom ring.

little vs. big

I kinda really like this picture I found while traipsing through a favorite photo site.

It reminds me that I'm just one person in this great big world, a great big world that is really only a minuscule dot on the map of an endless universe. At the same time though, I'm held securely in the hands of Someone greater.

Yet even though I'm a speck on a speck, it's nice to know God provides special places for me in this big little world to be my own...

the master of my fate

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll.

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

-William Ernest Henley

This weekend I watched Invictus, the story of how Nelson Mandela found a way to unite his very broken country through the game of rugby. The poem, "Invictus" by William Ernest Henley is what Morgan Freeman playing Mr. Mandela says helped him while in prison "to stand on days when all he wanted to do was lie down."

The final two lines of the poem are quite stirring; I both believe in them very much and hesitate to validate them at the same time.

On one hand, the poem is incredibly embolding when it comes to person to person interactions and dealings:no other man must be allowed to be the captain of your soul, the master of your fate. You must come out of the shadows, stand up for yourself and make the choices you want. Only you can dream your dreams. You have the power within you and with it you can do many things.This frankly, is a position I find myself now. I ask myself almost everyday, "What do you want to do? How do you make that happen?" The feeling of being the master of my fate is both invigorating and daunting.

However, as I follow Jesus, He is the ultimate captain of my soul. I am merely the clay while He is the grand artist. I am a thread and He is the weaver of the tapestry. All to Jesus I owe and all to Him I pray I give. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. Matthew 16:25 Through the journey of the last year, I've had honest conversations with God about my future; He and I both know what I hope to do, experience, and accomplish in the future but I'll joyfully put it all aside if it's not what He wants for me. It can be a difficult power to relinquish, but Jesus has to be the captain of my fate; otherwise, I'll wander through life instead of truly walking it.

The last two lines of the poem are the kind of words you want to tie around your heart because of the power and courage they stir in the soul. They encourage you to push when possibility is bleak and keep you steadfast when you want to give up. It's a balance that I'm sure takes a lifetime to learn: not listening to the world, keeping in tune with your heart, and God. Ultimately, I suppose we are the true masters of our fate because we alone can make the decision of who will hold the power: ourselves or God. God, thank you for being willing to be the master of my fate and the captain of my soul- You are so much more capable than I.

Don't worship the plan.

Worship the God of the plan.

I've realized that in the past months too much emphasis has been put on the afterlife of Baylor- knowing where I am going and what I will be doing. Yes, plans are good, but running after Him for the fulfillment of my life? Better- much better.

questions.

Last night, a few friends and I went to a screening of Beware of Christians, a new film by a Baylor student. It's a documentary where four college guys travel around Europe for five weeks forgetting the rules, losing the excuses, and leaving behind everything in the hopes of discovering something bigger about both themselves and what it means to follow Jesus. In each city, they center-in on a specific topic like money, materialism, sexuality, or alcohol- which they interview people about on the street. Not only are the responses thought-provoking, but because the guys are bare and honest with their struggles, doubts, and missteps, the movie pricks the heart.

They ask questions instead of resting on what others have told them. They're seeking out answers instead of running from them- all with bold, open hearts. If nothing else, it's an absolute comfort to be reminded that I'm not the only one who doesn't have life figured out and that Christianity isn't a walk in the park. The movie left me with a lot to mull over, reevaluate in regards to my relationship with the world, and take to Jesus to consider.

On a less serious note, a beautiful thing about the film (besides Euro, oh how I want to go!) is the incredible bond between the guys- it's so evident even from an outsiders' perspective. Friendship really is one of the most beautiful things in this life.

Thanking God today for people who aren't afraid to ask questions they don't have answers to.

a morning like this

Did the grass sing?
Did the earth rejoice to feel you again?
Over and over like a trumpet underground,

did the earth seem to pound: "He is risen."
Over and over in a never ending round:
"He is risen, alleluia, alleluia."-Sandi PattyReveling in the resurrection today and everyday, Happy Easter.

Image found {here}

friday thought

God calls you to
the places where
your deep gladness
and the world's

deep hunger meet.

- Frederick Buechner

That's what I'm hoping for. No matter where I go or what kind of job I do in this life, Lord, let me be serving and working for your good.

pink, purple, and red

A little pink, purple, and red love for the day of love.

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.
1 John 4:7-8

our deeper nature

Image found {here}
"We all- men and women- were created in the image of God. Fearfully and wonderfully made, fashioned as living icons of the bravest, wisest, most stunning Person who ever existed...All that we ever wished we could be, we were- and more. We were fully alive...

I daresay we've heard a bit about original sin but not nearly enough about original glory, which comes before sin and is deeper in our nature. We were crowned with glory and honor. Why does a woman long to be beautiful? Why does a man hope to be found brave? Because we remember, if only faintly that we were once more than we are now. The reason you doubt there could be a glory to your life is because that glory has been the object of a long and brutal war."

John Eldridge, Waking the Dead

motto for a new semester

image found {here}

Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. 

1 Corinthians 13:13 (The Message)

The first day of the last undergraduate semester stirs up a great mix of emotions, but I'm determined to stop wallowing, push through the uncomfortableness and fear, and live life up. Here it goes...

reflecting lights

All images found {here}.

Everywhere you look during the holiday season, there are lights: lights on the roof, lights on the tree, and lights in the front windows. Every part of the city sparkles with holiday cheer. Sometimes it’s hard not to become a little overwhelmed by the commercialized side of Christmas- it’s everywhere and inescapable. But I believe that the lights we see are so much more: they are the unconscious reflection of the true Light of the world: Jesus Christ.

This Christmas, we remember and celebrate with joy the birth of our Savior. Reveling in the story, remember how the sky was filled with light the night of his birth by a multitude of angles and how three men valiantly followed the light of one star to find Christ. Light is all over the Christmas story. But nothing compares to the light that Christ himself brought into the world.

John describes Jesus and his birth saying, "The true light that gives light to every man was coming into the world (John 1:9)." And Jesus himself told crowds, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life (John 8:12)." His light is the life of men and in His light we are at peace. Just like the lights all around us, we too can be a reflection of the true Light by opening our homes to someone in need, spending time with someone who’s lonely and by showing love to friends and family. Celebrate the Light this season with joy and exuberance and join in on the reflection.

for these i am thankful..

Beyond the clear and obvious that I am thankful for this year(my relationship of love, grace and salvation with I Am, my family, friends, and good health) here are a few silly (and not so silly) things for which I too, am thankful for:

coffee, happy hour at Common Grounds, red leaves, scarves, Glee, the possibility of Paris, Lolita's breakfast burritos, hydrangea, Gossip Girl, internships at Fort Worth, Texas Magazine and Catholic Charities, the style section of The New York Times, writing, the power of the written word, a free heart, ads for Tiffany & Co., new friends, $5 movies in Waco, gut packs from Vitek's, swings, blogs, flowers and headbands to wear in my hair, boots and tights, Sonic Happy Hour, weheartit.com, the beauty of nature, that New Moon the movie is way better than Twilight the movie, the budding success of Kate Leverenz Photography, the overflowing talent of Kate Leverenz, sunsets, windows, the feeling that comes from soaking up every moment of the last year of college, the ever fabulous Sarah Jessica Parker and her alter ego Carrie Bradshaw and the inspiration they provide, the bravery of David Crowder's music, days of class that don't start until 11 am, performing front row in Pigskin, shoes, canceled class, and

the fact that no matter how far I might run or hard I might try, God will always be there. No matter what I think I might have done, His grace is greater, His love is more crushing, and His presence is more powerful. That He is willing and wanting to make me more like his Son every day and that He is never willing to give up on me. It's more than I will ever deserve, more than I could ever put into words, and what I will probably spend the rest of my life trying to articulate.

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. Colossians 2: 6-7

freedom: a poem

Freedom
by Paul Eluard
(translated into English)

On my workbooks
On my desk and trees
On the sand on the snow
I write your name

On all pages read
On all the white pages
Stone paper blood or ash
I write your name

On the golden images
On the weapons of warriors
On the crown of kings
I write your name

On the jungle on the desert
On the nests on the brooms
On the echo of my childhood
I write your name

On the wonders of night
On the day’s white bread
On the engaged seasons
I write your name

On all my sapphire cloth
On the pond sun mold
On the lake living moon
I write your name

On the fields on the horizon
On the wings of birds
On the windmill of shadows
I write your name

On each meal of dawn
On the sea on the boats
On the mad mountain
I write your name

On the fluff of clouds
On the sweat of storms
On the rain deep and drab
I write your name

On the twinkling shapes
On the clocks of colors
On the true shape
I write your name

On the awoken path
On the displayed routes
On the places that jut out
I write your name

On the lamp that aluminates itself
On the lamp that blows itself out
On my reunited homes
I write your name

On the fruit cut in two
The mirror in my room
On my empty bed
I write your name

On my greedy dog
On his pricked ears
On his awkward paws
I write your name

On the stepping stone of my door
On the familiar objects
On the flood of blessed passion
I write your name

On all my given flesh
On the foreheads of my friends
On each hand held
I write your name

On the surprise windowpanes
On the waiting lips
Well above the silence
I write your name

On my destroyed refuges
On my faded lighthouse
On the walls of my worry
I will write your name

On the absence of desire
On the naked solitude
On the walks of death
I will write your name

On the returned health
On the vanished risk
On the hope without remembering
I will write your name

And by the power of a word
I begin again my life
I was born to know you
To name you

Freedom.



It is for freedom that Christ has set us free... Galations 5:1

going vertical

Isn't it amazing how you can hear something hundred times and understand it one way and then, on that 101st time, your entire comprehension shifts. But I don't know if amazing is the right word to describe the feeling you're left with- it's more like shock, confusion, disbelief, astonishment, even an uncomfortableness. You've thought one way about something your whole life and then, someone explains it in a way that breaks through to you in a way nothing else could.

Allow me to explain.

This Monday, approximately 1,000 students nearly packed out the downtown Hippodrome in attendance of something new called Vertical. A group of students became convicted this last summer to start something new to bring Baylor students from every group and organization together to as one body and one unit. Ashfin Ziafat, the weekly speaker for Vertical Ministries spoke this Monday on knowing God and knowing the plan God has for our lives. He described living for God in such a way that it felt like a blindfold was being pulled off my face.

I've believed for a long time that God should be our first love, that we were created to be in a relationship Him, and that we are to be Christ like. But what about this (and I'm paraphrasing):

"God's will is so much more about what He's doing in us that what we're doing for Him. Marriage, kids, jobs- these are all wonderful things in life, but they're really things that God uses to shape us into being more like Him. What if instead of wondering and waiting for a wife/husband, you concern yourself with becoming a Godly husband/wife?"

Think about it, everything in life, everything, is to make us more like Christ and thus draw us closer to our God. Y'all, it's not about us. At all.

opening up

"You're the God that opens seas, every flower, even me. You're all I need."

While driving to class this morning this lyric of Bethany Dillon stuck with me.

Unless they have lived alone, under a rock for their entire life, every person has experienced some kind of wounding to their heart at some point. Whether it was a broken relationship, a broken heart, or a broken promise, sometimes, something causes people to sink back from others and the rest of the world. I know this, because I have personally experienced it. However and most thankfully, God calls to us, longing to restore these broken, wounded places. And little by little, if we allow him to, we will begin to open up again like a beautiful, blooming flower. We weren't created to fade into the background of our world- we were meant to touch others, make a difference, be ourselves. And the God who parted a sea to save a nation of people, will just as willingly save us by restoring our hearts. He is the edgeless God who is so eager to enter our tiny, confined world in order to show us who we truly are.